I haven't seen my Dad since Christmas night. I think about him often, every few hours. On Christmas day, Sandra and the kids and I all went to visit him. We all sat in the big room that is octagonal with a high ceiling and punched a balloon back and forth to each other. My Father is remarkably agile for his age and condition. He dominated with the balloon punching.
I haven't visited with my Dad because I am emotionally exhausted. Driving over to see him is atleast a 2 hour endeavor. It's an 18 minute drive each way. I can never pop in and just say, "Hi Dad, just stopped by to see how your doing, gotta now." Although I have tried this it is just too confusing for him.
There have been so many things going on with the rest of my life I have put visiting him at the end of my list of priorities. I need to spend time with my kids. I was taking a lot of time off from work to visit which I cannot afford. In the evenings when I am at Sentry Hill visiting my father for a few hours I am not at home with my family.
My heart aches no matter which decision I choose.
With my oldest son off at college it has become completely clear that you become severed from your children. Nathaniel's college is an hour and a half ride from home. It is too far to drive for a casual visit. With my other two kids still at home I cherish all the remaining time I have before they too, head off into the world. I feel best after work to go home and look forward to sitting at the dinner table and being in the presence of my wife and kids. The completion of this ritual is usually 7-8pm, too late for me to visit my Dad.
I also enjoy visiting my Dad. The look on his face when he sees me is like no other. I love talking walks with him, reviewing the past and joking around with him.
It has given me a lot of peace to know that he is in a great place. Sentry Hill is very dignified, far and above his expectations and the staff is genuine.
The social worker, Sara, called me a few weeks ago to ask where I have been. I explained to her that although I love my Dad and pray for him often I cannot put as much energy into visiting him as I have in the past. I just don't have it.
My sister emailed me yesterday reminding me that our Dad won't be around long and that he asks where I am all the time.
There have been times in our past that my Father and I haven't seen each other for atleast a year and often months would pass even though we lived about a mile from each other. I think I have seen him more since he has been at Sentry Hill than I have in the past 20+ years. I am really grateful for this. When he was first admitted I had no idea what to expect. I didn't if he would be gone in a month, week or year. He has done very well.
