About Red Squirrels

Uneasy Finality

They come into my yard
and then into my house
tearing and ripping at night.
Awake, I am full of frustration.

They have found some crack
or boards sawn too short
much like an open door.

At day and only occasionally
I sit near the wood-stove
looking out the large picture window
toward the bird-feeder.

One or two will surely arrive.

At first sight of the spastic frenzy
my 22 is in my hand as I open the back door
and sneak out.

Quietly I come within perfect view.
Carefully, I place the red bush within the cross hairs
and pow! The last sound to fall upon
his ears strikes me with uneasy finality.

February 4, 2010

I haven't seen my Dad since Christmas night. I think about him often, every few hours. On Christmas day, Sandra and the kids and I all went to visit him. We all sat in the big room that is octagonal with a high ceiling and punched a balloon back and forth to each other. My Father is remarkably agile for his age and condition. He dominated with the balloon punching.

I haven't visited with my Dad because I am emotionally exhausted. Driving over to see him is atleast a 2 hour endeavor. It's an 18 minute drive each way. I can never pop in and just say, "Hi Dad, just stopped by to see how your doing, gotta now." Although I have tried this it is just too confusing for him.

There have been so many things going on with the rest of my life I have put visiting him at the end of my list of priorities. I need to spend time with my kids. I was taking a lot of time off from work to visit which I cannot afford. In the evenings when I am at Sentry Hill visiting my father for a few hours I am not at home with my family.

My heart aches no matter which decision I choose.

With my oldest son off at college it has become completely clear that you become severed from your children. Nathaniel's college is an hour and a half ride from home. It is too far to drive for a casual visit. With my other two kids still at home I cherish all the remaining time I have before they too, head off into the world. I feel best after work to go home and look forward to sitting at the dinner table and being in the presence of my wife and kids. The completion of this ritual is usually 7-8pm, too late for me to visit my Dad.

I also enjoy visiting my Dad. The look on his face when he sees me is like no other. I love talking walks with him, reviewing the past and joking around with him.

It has given me a lot of peace to know that he is in a great place. Sentry Hill is very dignified, far and above his expectations and the staff is genuine.

The social worker, Sara, called me a few weeks ago to ask where I have been. I explained to her that although I love my Dad and pray for him often I cannot put as much energy into visiting him as I have in the past. I just don't have it.

My sister emailed me yesterday reminding me that our Dad won't be around long and that he asks where I am all the time.

There have been times in our past that my Father and I haven't seen each other for atleast a year and often months would pass even though we lived about a mile from each other. I think I have seen him more since he has been at Sentry Hill than I have in the past 20+ years. I am really grateful for this. When he was first admitted I had no idea what to expect. I didn't if he would be gone in a month, week or year. He has done very well.

December 7, 2009

As I was falling asleep last night I prayed for my friend Mike, who recently attempted suicide, again. I prayed for my Dad as well. And as I prayed I recalled how when I got hurt my Dad would say, "I am sorry, Kev."

Maybe I had fallen off my bicycle, or jammed my fingers in the door, or had a splinter lodged in my sole so deep he couldn't pull it out with tweezers. It was always so heart felt and although it wouldn't take the pain away I knew it meant he was there for me. And as I prayed for him last night I knew I couldn't take his pain and suffering away. Rather I prayed that my Dad would know that I am sorry.

November 27, 2009

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. On Friday, Sandra, Amber and I drove to Clark University to pick up Nathaniel. This Thanksgiving was spent at home with Sandra and my three children and later in the afternoon all 5 of us visited my Dad at Sentry Hill.

For many years we would travel to Gloucester, MA., to the home of my Uncle Michael. He would invite my mother (his sister) et al, my sister et al, sometimes his wife's family and my family to their home. (Since my mother and father are divorced my father was never invited.) Going to Gloucester for thanksgiving was a big part of my children's family experience for which I am very grateful to my Uncle. It was often the only time we would see my Uncle and his family throughout the year. Last year he emailed me and said he wasn't inviting us because they made other plans. And again this year he didn't invite us.

I think his breaking ties with us was due to my maternal families state of disharmony. My mother and sister asserted themselves against my wife, children and myself ultimately threatening to take partial custody of my children. The matter escalated as my sister told my mother many untruths. Without asking me my mother believed my sister. Their threats were probably the most detrimental actions I have endured. Nature provides most creatures and certainly humans an instinct to protect their young and Sandra and I felt very threatened. As we felt in jeopardy as a family by my mother and sister it is impossible to include them in our lives as we previously had. The matter was absurd and caused overwhelming stress.

It is unfortunate for my kids. My mother was the only grandparent they had who would do things with them on an individual basis, although seldom. And my sister the only aunt who took an interest in them as far as family goes. In a perfect world things would be different.

After we had Thanksgiving Dinner all five of us visited my Father. He was happy to see us. Throughout the day I had felt unsettled as I could have brought him to my home for dinner. But I felt it would be safer not to. So we talked with him about things he could remember. My daughter had recently written a paper for her American History class about his serving in the Korean War which put a twinkle in his eye, as well as a few tears. I would dare say he is as proud to be a veteran as anything he has ever done.

I am so grateful to have amazing kids and an amazing wife. My father takes pleasure in spending time with us and I am so glad that I can occasionally bring us all together.

KU6CZR6DHT6W

November 13, 2009

Last night was fall sports awards night at York High School. My son, Silas, a junior is a top runner on the cross country team. His brother Nathaniel spent 4 years on the team as well as doing winter and spring track. Both of my sons are runners. The program has been a wonderful bonus to their high school experience. I am very grateful to the head Coach, Ted Hutch. He has been coaching cross country at York for 21 years.

York High School celebrated many successes last night. The girls won the state soccer title and the boys golf team also won a state title. The boys and girls cross country team both took second place in the state and Alex Moser has the title of State Champion for class B boys.

I have become the "official paparazzi" for the team. I always bring my camera and take around 200-300 pictures each meet. At the end of the season I organize them into a slideshow along with other photos contributed by other parents. After staying up 3 late nights and on Wednesday til 2 am the slideshow was ready to be seen.

As I drove over to the high school I started thinking about my Dad and wanted to call him. I dialed him on my cell and as I drove we connected. It was around 5:40 and I asked him how his dinner was. He said it was good. I was surprised. I then asked him if anything new was happening. He said no. I began telling him the places I was passing as I was driving. I used the old names. The names of places he knew when he was a kid.

"Marm Freeman's Place, Quimby's, Wheelers Inn, The old York Beach Post Office," and on I went. He acknowledged each place I referred to with one exception but I wasn't sure about that one myself. Eventually, I told him I would let him go and that I loved him and I hope he has good dreams.

I could hear him start to cry on the other end. He said he had a bad dream. He burst into tears and told me again. He cried like a child and there was little I could do but tell him I was sorry and not to think too much about it. He often has mentioned he has dreams with his mother and doesn't find them favorable. He also has nightmares.

As he cried on the other end I told him I would see him tomorrow and take him for a walk. I said goodnight and told him I was sorry. I got out of the truck into the tepid night air at the high school parking lot. I looked up for stars and smelled the decay of fall still lingering.