Nathaniel goes back to Clark University tomorrow for his sophomore year. I took him over to Sentry Hill today, along with Silas for a visit with their grandfather. They don't have the father son connection that I have with my father. They are slightly removed from the desperation my father expresses though when we left today Nathaniel said to me he was sorry a few times for what he had seen.
His Grandfather tried many times to leave the building when we left. He finally said that he could get in the back of the truck. He wants to leave so bad. It is unconscionable that he is held against his wishes. I told him that he could leave if he could figure out how to. He asked for help. He said he just couldn't do it.
It is very painful leave my father. It is very painful to think about him at Sentry Hill. It takes a lot of effort to visit him as he inevitably wants to leave with me. And I certainly cannot blame him. If I was him I would be desperate to leave as well. Although the place is very respectable, clean and well taken care of he is completely stripped of independence. He sits for hours in the confines of his room or the common area. He isn't allowed past the key-padded doors.
It was very strange leaving him today as I really wanted him to be with me and my boys. To be a part of my family unit. Leaving him against his wishes violates my dedication to his individuality. Somehow I am contributing to his longing to leave, to be free to get in his truck and drive, to drive to his home and cut his wood, peruse through his collections of stuff and mostly to feel free to come and go.
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