Nathaniel goes back to Clark University tomorrow for his sophomore year. I took him over to Sentry Hill today, along with Silas for a visit with their grandfather. They don't have the father son connection that I have with my father. They are slightly removed from the desperation my father expresses though when we left today Nathaniel said to me he was sorry a few times for what he had seen.
His Grandfather tried many times to leave the building when we left. He finally said that he could get in the back of the truck. He wants to leave so bad. It is unconscionable that he is held against his wishes. I told him that he could leave if he could figure out how to. He asked for help. He said he just couldn't do it.
It is very painful leave my father. It is very painful to think about him at Sentry Hill. It takes a lot of effort to visit him as he inevitably wants to leave with me. And I certainly cannot blame him. If I was him I would be desperate to leave as well. Although the place is very respectable, clean and well taken care of he is completely stripped of independence. He sits for hours in the confines of his room or the common area. He isn't allowed past the key-padded doors.
It was very strange leaving him today as I really wanted him to be with me and my boys. To be a part of my family unit. Leaving him against his wishes violates my dedication to his individuality. Somehow I am contributing to his longing to leave, to be free to get in his truck and drive, to drive to his home and cut his wood, peruse through his collections of stuff and mostly to feel free to come and go.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
August 17, 2009
I visited my dad yesterday morning and took him for a walk. The morning was very beautiful, bright blue sky, a slight northerly breeze, a truly magnificent summer morning. After about a half mile of walking and as I was about to say how nice the new sidewalk was that we were upon my father's foot caught a pressure treated landscape perimeter abutting the sidewalk (covered with weeds) and fell down, face down into the over run flower garden. I was shocked to see him lying there. He didn't move a muscle for a moment and then slowly got up. He had some blood on his finger tips and his left palm was chewed up my the pavement that took the brunt of his fall. His knee had been scraped.
We walked back to Sentry Hill where a nurse cleaned him up, assessed him and bandaged him.
It was very frightening to see him sprawled out on the ground so suddenly. I had no idea that he was even falling as he was a step or two behind me.
It has become more difficult to take him out for a drive as when he needs to use the bathroom he needs it within minutes. And on walks this has become an issue. He walks much more beleaguered than even a month ago. He sort of limps, right shoulder forward with a bounce. Very uncharacteristic of him as he looks like he could tip over easily. As he did on our walk.
I don't like to think that I shouldn't be taking him for walks. I haven't brought him to my house since our summer party on July 18. After the party he had reached a new level of confusion which lasted for about a week. He was very foggy and more disoriented that previously.
After the nurse had bandaged my father he and I went back outside and filled a couple of cups of cracked corn that I keep in the back of my truck and fed the duck's in the pond adjacent to the Browning Wing at Sentry Hill. The pond is very pretty as are the flowers at the whole facility. It was very hard to tell him I had to take him back inside on such a beautiful day. He didn't understand. And I would have liked to stay much longer.
Sandra had planned an 80th birthday party for her mom in Bedford, NH. So I left him, inside and he was disappointed. It is becoming more difficult to leave as he really wants to go with me and on Friday was very insistent that he was going home as I was leaving. One of the activity personnel pulled him back inside, physically.
We walked back to Sentry Hill where a nurse cleaned him up, assessed him and bandaged him.
It was very frightening to see him sprawled out on the ground so suddenly. I had no idea that he was even falling as he was a step or two behind me.
It has become more difficult to take him out for a drive as when he needs to use the bathroom he needs it within minutes. And on walks this has become an issue. He walks much more beleaguered than even a month ago. He sort of limps, right shoulder forward with a bounce. Very uncharacteristic of him as he looks like he could tip over easily. As he did on our walk.
I don't like to think that I shouldn't be taking him for walks. I haven't brought him to my house since our summer party on July 18. After the party he had reached a new level of confusion which lasted for about a week. He was very foggy and more disoriented that previously.
After the nurse had bandaged my father he and I went back outside and filled a couple of cups of cracked corn that I keep in the back of my truck and fed the duck's in the pond adjacent to the Browning Wing at Sentry Hill. The pond is very pretty as are the flowers at the whole facility. It was very hard to tell him I had to take him back inside on such a beautiful day. He didn't understand. And I would have liked to stay much longer.
Sandra had planned an 80th birthday party for her mom in Bedford, NH. So I left him, inside and he was disappointed. It is becoming more difficult to leave as he really wants to go with me and on Friday was very insistent that he was going home as I was leaving. One of the activity personnel pulled him back inside, physically.
Monday, August 3, 2009
August 3, 2009
Today is my oldest son's birthday, he is 19 years.
I haven't written for a while. Honestly, I am exhausted. The experience of seeing my father, the person I learned to look up to and respect decline so rapidly is beyond comprehension. The experience is surreal. Although I have understood the diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease I do not understand the emotional burden. Most of the time I don't know what to think. I pray. I think of my dad after I have visited and feel completely helpless and horrified for him.
Yesterday he couldn't remember that he was a veteran of the Korean conflict. He did remember his army serial number. And if I questioned him he eventually did remember he went to Korea. He also was seeing things in front of him and kept reaching out to touch it. It looked like he was touching air. And he asked what it was, and then said, "Is that just my eyes."
His hearing seems to be diminishing also. He is nearly helpless except that he can walk. He recognizes me and my daughter and oldest son, atleast he did yesterday.
phewww...I am really overwhelmed and amazed.
I haven't written for a while. Honestly, I am exhausted. The experience of seeing my father, the person I learned to look up to and respect decline so rapidly is beyond comprehension. The experience is surreal. Although I have understood the diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease I do not understand the emotional burden. Most of the time I don't know what to think. I pray. I think of my dad after I have visited and feel completely helpless and horrified for him.
Yesterday he couldn't remember that he was a veteran of the Korean conflict. He did remember his army serial number. And if I questioned him he eventually did remember he went to Korea. He also was seeing things in front of him and kept reaching out to touch it. It looked like he was touching air. And he asked what it was, and then said, "Is that just my eyes."
His hearing seems to be diminishing also. He is nearly helpless except that he can walk. He recognizes me and my daughter and oldest son, atleast he did yesterday.
phewww...I am really overwhelmed and amazed.
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