January 20, 2012

We have had our first significant snowfall. Though scant, 2-4 inches of white stuff it looks and feels like winter, finally! I am not a huge fan of winter but it has become such a substantial part of my psyche I think I really need it.

Through the window and into the sun, first snow or 2012

As I sit on the couch waiting for the sanding truck to rumble up the driveway I have been thinking about how my Mom and Dad are evaporating from my life. I have been estranged from my Mom for about 4 years and my Dad is in another world. My wife's parents are also dealing with issues of dementia and things are evolving in that realm as well.

Although my parents are both alive I no longer have the kind of emotional support I had been afforded for so many years. My Mom was mostly a detriment to my creativity and my Dad really never cared to get a grasp on it. Otherwise my parent and son relationship was probably pretty normal. There were times when I didn't see my Dad for a year or more. Something always pulled us back together though, usually a chance encounter at the post office, hardware store or general store.

He instilled his love of tools and fascination for the woods in me. He also influenced my spirituality by sharing his. My mom told me we had no room for a piano and that I couldn't be a writer. Later, she did help and encourage me to get into art school which opened up a whole new dimension of creativity. My Dad would never invest the time into trying to understand my love of art. Though his love was so easy. Go out into the woods, start cutting trees and splitting them into manageable pieces and toss them into the trailer and hopefully drive out of the woods without getting stuck and arrive home smelling like chainsaw exhaust. I got this and really took a liking to it.

There were many times as I was becoming an adult I cut ties with my parents in order to liberate myself from their dogmas. At first it was tenuous as I was a newbie. Initially the pain was terrible as I had to imagine them as dead. I still loved them but realized the hindrance was stagnating. The only way for me to become an entity unto myself was to stand alone, singular. It took me a while to realize that we could co-exist but I had to learn this through experience. 

As a parent now, I appreciate my own parents for their efforts and realize how difficult it can be to try to shape our existence into some type of normalcy. I am not a proponent of normalcy, status quo or otherwise trying to be like everyone else, but it is the only way we can become socially adept. Communities are bound by co-dependence, hopefully a mutually satisfactory one.

My family has evolved to such an extent I can easily become awed. My three children are becoming adults. I am exactly between my parents and children. As with most situations I need to adjust, to understand my responsibilities and to offer whatever support I can. And of course the challenge is to encourage the human spirit to flourish and be successful at it. Each person with a different set of circumstances, with different desires and purpose.