Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Day 2013

Reflecting back this has been a very strange year. The dynamics of my family have evolved into a spiral that is out of control, twisting and turning in all directions at once. Through it all my Dad is coupled with his dementia. He sits and sits and sits among others whose conditions are so much the same that it seems completely normal to be among them. Persons sitting in chairs, staring off into the distance. Their heads moving slowly through time. Occasionally making eye contact, occasionally I avoid making eye contact in an attempt to thwart any advancement toward me.

If they look too long they may see me as a familiar face, someone they can appeal to for help, someone who can help them escape through the locked doors. I cannot be that person for them. I do have the passcode memorized, but not for them. It is for me. So I can type in 1996 and go, like a bird, free, into the wild. As I go, emotions flow over me like the ebb tide, gently I feel reluctant to leave, nostalgia and a sense of sadness all envelop me like a hug from an old friend. I shake my head as I pass the last door into the fresh air as if I am shaking off rain from a cold shower.

I get into the car and I think out loud, "I love you, Dad."

My Dad is sweet and kind and easy to coach a smile from. His image pops up in my mind as I start the car and drive away. I don't think I can any longer make memories for him. And I wonder where his memories have gone... dissipated, expelled from his brain, perhaps floating in the upper stratosphere  perhaps co mingled with my glass of orange juice this morning. There is no easy answer as my thoughts turn elsewhere and I drive back to the normalcy of the other reality, where I spend most of my time, my home, my work, exploring other mysteries, trying to catch them and existing in the awe.


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