June 12, 2012

I feel more sad than usual. My visit yesterday with my Dad was the most difficult it has been for a long time. And I should mention I haven't seen him in over a month. He was OK. He was happy to see Sandra and I. I don't think he recognized my daughter, Amber.

It was a picture perfect day in York Harbor, Maine. Hi 70's F° and clear skies. Right away he thought we had come to take him away. He couldn't say where he wanted to be but someplace was for sure. It broke my heart to know that I wouldn't take him away, to where he wanted to go.

My life is a balancing act with two business, children and more interests than I can possibly attend. It was really all I could manage to just visit with him for an hour or two. It is all so difficult to balance. Difficult to place everything in an order that I won't regret. And realizing that the perfect solution is just a compromise.

None the less it made me sad to see my Dad sad. I felt powerless. And since communication is challenging at best and often impossible it is hard to express my empathy to him.

Alzheimer's is a dreadful sentence at times. Sometimes I see it's unexpected symptoms as graces. Often when I leave him from a visit I feel nice, like I made him feel good. But yesterday he was sad.

I realized he is still very much a person and is still more connected to the world than one might expect. His speech is feeble. His thoughts are shattered when he attempts to express himself. But in his thoughts he wants, desires and is full of emotion. He is in one of the most beautiful settings in York Harbor, far out of reach for most. But his heart does not belong here. This is not the place that he built with his hands, the place where he collected his tools and cut his trees. This is not the place where he feuded over land boundaries, took dates, dug rocks, and piled stuff behind his house and cherished it all. But he is here. And it is comfortable and warm. There are many people who take care of him with care and pride. Who greet him in the halls with genuine warmth and sincerity.

Who are we? How did we arrive here and what is the right thing to do. I don't remember asking to be born. I don't remember asking to be responsible for the happiness of my Dad. I am not sure of all the choices we make. I feel that for my Dad to be in an assisted living facility, in a lockdown ward is convenient. It is also very costly. I don't know of other reasonable solutions. So here he is. With more of a broken heart than I realize. And here I am unable to get a smile from him.

A Little Music is Good for the Soul

The last time I saw my Dad a friend of mine, with whom I am in a band and myself, played music at Sentry Hill. It was two Sunday afternoon's ago. We set up in front of the residence with guitars, a PA and played for two hours. I have never played in front of Alzheimer's patients before but recommend it to anyone who is a musician or a wannabe.

These people were not free to come and go as they please, as in bars which I have played in the past. Nope, most cannot get out of a seat. Those in a seat, like a wheel chair have not enough strength to make haste for a getaway. So there they sat before us, my Father included. And we played for them. From our hearts.

As we played the help gathered around as well and it became quite cozy. We received delightful applause and occasional hoots and yipeeeees. It was a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

My Dad and I at Sentry Hill in York Harbor, Maine

Since, I received two calls from Sentry Hill. The first was to inform me my father had swatted his lower false teeth out of an attendent's hands and broke one of the teeth. The second was that he fell into a fireplace as he tried to pet a dog which someone brought into visit the old people. He possibly lost his balance while bending over.

I miss my Dad alot. I miss my sons as well. It has been very strange to have two sons who are prospering at college and a Father who is declining monthly. They are all beyond my reach in a tangible way. And we are all disconnected from the family cohesiveness that I once enjoyed so much.

My oldest son has created an album that is very beautiful. Take a listen, it is peaceful and soothing...http://whorl.bandcamp.com/

I have recently been visited by my mother. She came by work unexpectedly. She asked if she could speak with me. I had a premonition that she may want to reconcile our differences. But no, her agenda was only remotely relevant to me. In fact she told me I was lying about so many things that I made her leave. It is odd to feel no love from a person, let alone my mother. I cannot get around the idea that she visited me and didn't bother to inquire about how I have been or share concerns, thoughts or anything about me. When I brought something up or replied to her questions she said only, "you are making that up," or "that's a lie."

My mother is an enigma to me and her actions become increasingly unresolved when opportunity favors her. There are few people in life that I get such little feeling from. Many complete strangers offer far more compassion and love. Thank God.

Gov. LePage and Maine’s Republican Legislature are attempting to eliminate care for people with Alzheimer’s Disease

Governor Paul LePage and the republican legislature in Maine are making a big effort to cut funding from the Maine Department of Human Services. It is predicted that this would have a huge impact on Alzheimer's patients in Maine, including my Dad. It would eliminate all rooms for Alzheimer's patients that are currently covered by Mainecare.


Here is today's article in the Portland Press Herald
http://www.pressherald.com/news/democrats-take-issue-with-mainecare-figures_2011-12-14.html

July 8, 2010

The heat of summer has arrived in York, Maine. We have had lots of 90°F weather and not much rain. A customer called from Boston on Tuesday and declared it was 106°F sitting in traffic. Ouch!

My sister called yesterday and told me my Father had fallen out of his bed early in the morning and then fallen while walking around 10 am. He seemed to have no bruises. The staff at Sentry Hill had placed him in a recliner for the day.

I went over to see him around 4pm. And sure enough he was still in the recliner. He was awake and as usual in pretty good spirits. I brought him 2 milk chocolate caramels from our chocolate shop, Divine Chocolate. He ate them with a fervor. It was nice to see him enjoy them. He asked me if I had been over to see Evelyn's grave (his oldest sister). I told him no, but last memorial day he and I and my kids went over to rake and clean up the graveyard. He couldn't remember.

I sat with him quietly as we watched the staff prepare the residents for supper. Most of the residents require assistance to get seated so there is a lot of effort made. The whole endeavor begins around 4pm and lasts until 5pm. Moments before 5 I said goodbye and headed home.

May 9, 2009

After not visiting my dad yesterday I knew that he would wonder where I had been. An old friend of mine was committed to a mental health facility, both he and his wife were suicidal. This really took a lot out of me. Also, my son was part of an honors banquet to which both Sandra, my wife and I accompanied him too. As usual, work seems to get the time that is left over from so many other seeming priorities.

This afternoon I was able to visit my father and had a very nice time. Back when he used to go to the York Hospital Cafeteria daily he befriended a very nice lady and her 92 year old dad. She has called several times and made arrangements for either my sister or myself to meet them at the cafeteria with my father for dinner. He very much looks forward to it.

Tonight the arrangements had been made and we met them just after 5:30. After dinner they had found out we had walked over to the hospital and offered us a ride back to Sentry Hill. We accepted and were able to give them a quick tour of the facility.

The early night sky was very beautiful. The flowering trees seemed to be on fire. The lush green grass was pushing upwards in a hurry and was in need of a trim. There is a pond just below my father's unit and there was a mother duck and 12 baby ducklings paddling about and then sauntering about in the bushes. They were a lovely site and a true confirmation spring has finally arrived.My father, Haven with his friends Frank (center) and Theresa (right)

After the my dad's guests left we sat in a large octagonal room. I showed him some photos I had taken on my camera's monitor and then we were interrupted by one of the staff. My father clearly did not like it and was quite rude. The lady was very nice to him but he just wouldn't reciprocate. He can be like this, I don't know why.

Before dinner we had walked up through town and found our way to the town hall porch. There was a very nice bench on it and we sat down. My father was very concerned we would be late for dinner with his friends. We were an hour early and I suggested we walk behind the town hall and into the First Parish graveyard to look for his grandfathers headstone.

He pointed us to the right direction. Although as we got closer he started to walk off into a bushy thicket. I asked where he was going and he said the grave was that way. I said no, follow me and based on his previous directions we were able to find the headstone. It was inscribed with FREEMAN...JOHN W. FREEMAN, RALPH FREEMAN and his wife ABBIE FREEMAN

I had never seen this headstone before. John Wesley was my great grandfather. My grandfather and grandmother are also in this cemetery and we both began looking for them. I kind of knew where they were but couldn't find them. My father was anxious not be late so we abandoned the graveyard and headed for the hospital cafeteria.

April 29, 2009

I picked my father up at about 11:45 today. We drove over to Lobster Cove Restaurant on Long Sands Beach. When we walked in it was apparent that he was a familiar face to the staff. When the first waitress said hi to him he asked her how she knew him. She said he came in often. He had no clue. We went upstairs where there are spectacular views of the Atlantic Ocean through very large windows. The light was crisp and clear and the ocean was deep hues of blue. We both ordered Haddock sandwiches and he started talking about a woman he knew when he was 18. She lived one summer near Chases Garage in York Beach and she worked at Garfields Store. He said he would like to find her. I asked her name and he couldn't remember.

He said her father was a police officer from Massachusetts and that as far as he knew she spent one summer in York Beach. As the haddock sandwiches, french fries and cole slaw disappeared from our plates he reminisced about the people he had worked for when he was young. He pointed out the window and to the rocks that were placed between the beach and the road as a buffer and said he had driven the dump truck that carried most of those rocks. He said the company that contracted the job was from Augusta and it took about a year. Perhaps around 1949. He also talked about being in Korea and the harrowing boat trip accoss the Pacific and how the boat cracked in half and had to be repaired in transit. He said there was lots of dancing on the ship, no women. But he added, "there were some great dancers."

He asked me if we could have more to eat. I assumed he was talking about desert. I asked him how his sugar level was and he told me 175. He said he wasn't sure though, inferring he may be wrong and hoping I would think it may be lower. We asked the waitress if she had anything sugar free and she said no and added that she was sorry. We left and drove out the Fox's Restuaruant at the Nubble Lighthouse as they have an ice cream window. There was a large sign in the window that said opening May 1.

No luck there so we perused back to Long Sands and stopped at the Long Sands General Store where they had sugar free coffee ice cream. He got a sugar cone with a bit of ice cream. He didn't let the server put much in the cone and she charged us only $1. The price I paid for mine was $2.50. We went out and sat in the sun heated warm truck and I let time stand still for a moment. Sitting there with my dad, just like I was a kid again, eating ice cream with nothing much to do. Only this time I was making the rules and he never contested.

He then asked if we could drop in on some friends and I had to tell him I needed very much to get back to work. I had been gone two hours and felt very anxious. I drove him back to Sentry Hill and walked him to the door. He gave me two hugs and thanked me several times. I thanked him for going with me and left him in the doorway, still open and closing.

Yesterday was my middle child and son's 16 birthday. I told my father but he didn't really acknowledge it. Only a few years ago he would greet us on birthday's and Christmas with $100 dollar bills. Those days are past. The days of him driving into our yard, pushing the front door open without knocking and saying, "hello, anyone here?"